A Bit of Pete

                                by Faig Mamedov


the dire straights

Pete just could not stand Freddie, and Freddie knew this only too well. As a matter of fact, he hated Pete’s guts.


The Fool

Whenever people asked him, ‘How’s things?’, Pete would start telling them how things were.


No News

Pete was watching something on TV.

Freddie smoked.

Roman lay on the bed with his boots on.

Nothing else of note happened that day.



‘You know,’ he said, ‘I had a wonderful dream last night, but you weren’t in it!’

‘Oh! Did you?’ she asked.

‘A stupid girl, she is,’ he thought.

‘An idiot,’ she concluded.



Pete loved a girl who would not as much as think of him as someone with a name.

Pete tried hard to forget her. And so he did in the end.


Pete Blew It

Pete was not the man to spend hours looking out of his window at things, unlike some other people who would. He was never interested in all the amusing things that sometimes happen right at your doorstep.

Once, for example, a huge lorry ran down a woman and rolled over her on the street. But Pete did not see anything at all!

It’s pity. What wonderful and amusing things you can see in the street sometimes!



Pete had a thick moustache.

Then he had it shaven off. Now, Pete does not have a moustache.



‘You’ve got it a-coming, pal, you know,’ Pete was once told sternly.

And he somehow felt that that was so very true.


Not a People’s Person

‘I think I know what your name is!’ said the girl with the expectant eyes.

‘I know it, too,’ Pete replied unsociably.


The Stress of the Moment

‘Hey, you!’ they shouted, getting dark in the face, ‘Are you being serious with that now?’

pete had a keen feeling he had best joked.


Pete Hesitates

‘And what if I’m really wrong?’ Pete suddenly thought.

And he hesitated.



Pete’s heart was broken. His heart was broken and given no mercy, and so there he stood by the wall, stood by the running crowd, and his heart was broken.

And the road sweeper in blue was sweeping up the fragments, grumbling.



Pete’s Dream

Pete had a green dream that he planted in the shed behind his home. He would take his dream out every night and did a lot of dreaming.

‘Heavy shit,’ he would murmur, puffing at his dream.


Casual Joys

Once, Pete got pissed off at some joke that Chuck made. Pete retaliated by steeling Chuck’s sneakers.

Chuck dropped a turd at Pete’s door in revenge.

Pete stole Chuck’s cellular and smashed it to bits.

Chuck dropped Pete’s cat down the drainpipe.

And then, Pete took Chuck’s bottle of bourbon, mixed it with glue and put the bottle back in its place.

I really don’t know what they ended up with.



One morning Pete tried to cook himself a breakfast but he burnt it.

Then, Pete was about to prepare a couple of sandwiches but he spilled ketchup and cut his finger.

Pete went into the sitting-room and switched on to the player, but the deck chewed the tape and went dumb. Pete lit a cigarette but nearly choked on the smoke.

Then it finally struck him that he had started his F-day that morning.

~ by jwoodall on July 23, 2009.

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